Self Love & a New Year

I haven’t written anything on this blog in exactly one year and one month. And I think that’s all you need to notice to consider the kind of year 2018 was for me. I had beautiful moments, sad times, memories created and friends made. Yet, this year was a year of lessons if not anything else. 

I learned to trust my instincts, how to use NYC public transportation, how to take better care of my hair and most of all how to love myself. Wouldn’t be here today without these lessons. Moving into 2019 with everything I’ve learned...I think it’s important to reflect more on why I was unable to write for a year and what that means for me in the future. My first question: “What is self love?” Self love is something I’ve unknowingly struggled with. I say unknowingly because for the longest I didn’t realize what I chose to eat or say to myself in times of stress were self love indicators. I thought everyone binged on fast food for an entire semester and said hateful things to themselves when they fail. I thought I was confident in myself then I realized self confidence is so much deeper than whether you think you look attractive that day or whether you got an A on an exam. That’s conditional and superficial. I’ve been superficially loving myself for years. “Self love” is (as I define it) how you speak and treat yourself when you’re alone. Also see “self respect”. Second question: “How do I love myself more?” Whew chile...this is a fully loaded question. I’m still learning everyday how I can continue to put myself first and listen to not only what I want but what’s best for me. My short response was, “turn to God.” Growing up, during moments of doubt we were told to pray. So I prayed and prayed for some guidance on how to solve this query. And I didn’t hear any solutions, didn’t feel any different...in fact I started feeling worse, so I put my relationship with God on the back burner. Then I went for the textbook self-love steps like baths, painting my nails sometimes or buying myself small gifts. These became excellent band-aids for the time being then it all came to a head when I realized...I don’t love myself...I mean I like myself but LOVE?? Third Question: “I don’t love myself, now what?” Another fully loaded question that I could not answer. Just at a complete loss and crying everyday. Feeling desperate for a light out of the darkness of self doubt. How do I love myself?! Then I went to God again but it was different this time. This time I listened for His response. Before I sat around waiting for a miracle solution and wanted overnight changes. Once I found more peace within, calmed my mind during prayer and began awaiting Him more patiently, I found my solutions. No longer focused on my bandaids...I focused on my relationship with God. Fourth Question: “Okay, I’m feeling this self love thing...how do I keep it up?” Cut ALL your hair off! Just kidding but it did force me to learn to appreciate my impurities and make friends with my insecurities. Now I’m stuck in this maintenance stage. Listening and talking to God everyday, learning how to care for a TWA (teenie weenie Afro) and how to just love myself as unapologetically as possible. Self love is a journey but I’m proud of myself for making it this far.

So that was 2018 for me. A full year of emotions and seeking answers. I was too clouded to focus or even bring myself to feel inspired to write again. It feels good to be back and stronger than ever before. And that’s all she wrote. 

#selflove #selfrespect #newyear #2019 #2018